A Block of All Kinds

to my loving husband and son,
to Jean and Oliver Assy

Shortly after I started writing this blog post, I realized that I have absolutely nothing to write about. I erased, wrote, and rewrote numerous lines here and there, and even deleted and restored the file a couple of times frustratingly blaming my lack of coherence on an insomniatic series of sleepless nights (I guess I arrogantly figured I could get away with that excuse since most writers are overthinking night owls anyway). As for when I finally felt well-rested and still found myself absent-mindedly staring at my blank laptop screen, I then tried to justify my lack of productivity by blaming it on the overall tedious process of writing that distressed me and made me tongue – or rather – finger-tied. Basically, there are many different ways I can go about describing what I felt and why it is that I felt that way, but the ultimate bottom line is this: I was suffering from writer’s block. So of course, I did what any sensible person would do: Amidst my writer’s block, I decided to write about writer’s block.

For the first time in my life, I put my procrastinating super-powers to good use. And that’s when the nebulous idea for this post slowly but surely began to form in my mind: What if one were to analyze the nature and complexity of different kinds of blocks? To begin with, Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary (n.d.) defines a block as an “interruption or cessation especially of train of thought by competing thoughts or psychological suppression.” In fact, the term has often been utilized in various multidisciplinary fields to mean: (1) in biology: an obstruction in one of the vital body organs/functions; (2) in sports: a defensive way to prevent the opposing team from infiltrating the home team and taking control; and most importantly (3) in literature: the inability to think of ideas for any writing-related project one is working on (Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, n.d.).

That said, the one common factor in all such cases of “blockage” seems to be the simple fact that the core objective of the person dealing with this hindrance remains the same: trying to circumvent the obstacle and attempt to move on irrespective of – and indifferent to – whatever hurdle is holding the individual back. However, what I’ve observed lately is that writers often struggle simply because they handle the situation pessimistically. Rather than focusing on what ideas are being blocked out, aspiring writers instead tend to agonize over the scarcity of ideas being blocked in. This tiny detail becomes all the more interesting once people understand that life works that way too: sometimes, the possibility of a continuity rests entirely on the type of wall a person either creates or destroys.

On a more personal note, I can honestly testify: it’s no easy feat. I come from a broken family and the damage caused by every member of my family is one that still continues to traumatize me to this day. I never met my uncles, aunts, cousins, grandmothers and grandfathers because of internal family feuds. I never had the big Christmas dinner with the extended family. And, it was only recently that I learned that there is a difference between the two Arabic terms “عم” and “خال” (where “عم” refers to the brother of the father, and “خال” refers to the brother of mother) which I previously used to use interchangeably simply because I never had a relationship neither with my “عم” nor with my “خال” so I always just figured both meant “uncle” in the general sense, as is the norm in the English language. In all cases, having to deal with numerous dysfunctional family relationships, my motto for a long time became “hang in there, it’ll get better.” But when the situation didn’t magically improve as I had desperately hoped it would, I finally accepted the reality that the nature and character of all my family members was different than mine and that the way they think was not at all similar to the way I think. And then it happened again: I began experiencing numerous kinds of mental and emotional blocks after repetitive fights with them. Once I became aware that the lifestyle they envisioned for me was not the lifestyle I envisioned for myself, I was left with only one way to overcome the roadblocks they were setting up for me: I moved out. I took on three jobs to be able to afford rent. And each time I would liberate myself from their abusive grip, my mother, father, or brother would always be somewhere in the background trying, to the best of their capabilities, to find some method by which they could manipulate their way back into my life. Against my better judgment, I would always forgive, forget, and open the door for reconciliations only to find myself back in the gutter ditched, disappointed, and as always: unable to move forward from the total mental shutdown.

And this is when I decided to think optimistically for a change. The second I was able to assert that the existence of these people in my life had a detrimental effect on my ability to function as a sentient human being, I reached for that “B” button and said goodbye, once and for all, to my toxic past. That term that I had come to dread for so long became the term that paved the way (with hot burning coals as bricks) to my new free and independent life. I’d be lying if I said that the ghosts totally disappeared since then, but I bid farewell to a new one each and every single day as I am reminded always by Frost’s pedantic gentle verses: “Before I built a wall I’d ask to know/ What I was walling in or walling out,/ And to whom I was like to give offence.” With that in mind, I guess you could say that all in all, I’ve learned that when it comes to all kinds of blocks, it’s never a neat division, and the process requires multiple revisions. Then again, sometimes, knowing what not to include in one’s private space – be they words, ideas, or even people ­­– becomes as equally important (if not more important) than knowing just what to include.

References

• Block. (n.d.). In Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/block